Twelve More Theological Hopes for 2016
Well, such childish boasting is beneath me. Instead, being the forward-thinking chap that I am, I have decided to stare the future in the face and offer twelve theological hopes for 2016. Any similarity to those of. A.J. Wilson are purely coincidental.
1. Complete a series of rap-songs on each of the main Protestant catechisms. Nobody really reads blogs these days (except those by yours truly!) but I’m led to believe that the best way to communicate with hip and trendy millennials is via the medium of spoken, rhythmic chanting. Therefore, if we want to communicate the truths of the catechisms to a new generation, this will not be achieved through blogging, but ‘spitting bars’.
I began my project a little while back with this offering (for which I was sadly uncredited as a lyricist!)
2. Write a decent critique of a couple of fads that are filtering into the church. I’ve noticed, for example, elderly female congregants adorning their Bibles in crocheted covers. Well-intentioned, I’m sure. But with Paul I declare, “The Word of God is not bound!” (2 Tim 2:9). I shall single-handedly put an end to this trend, if it’s the last thing I do!
3. Stop drinking coffee over Lent.
3b. Drink enough coffee in the run up to Lent to keep me fuelled and ticking over until Easter!
4. Take a religious studies GCSE. Whilst many assume that my enormous intellect and impressive theological nous have come through pursuing extensive post-graduate training, they are sadly incorrect. I am entirely self-taught and have made it a lifelong discipline to disregard the opinions of others. But inspired by our beloved Mr Wilson, I think I should swallow my pride and serve my church by getting some letters after my name. Saint Stuffed Shirt GCSE has a certain ring to it, don’t you think?
5. Rack up some more stamps in my passport, by passing off glamorous overseas jaunts as ‘ministry trips.’ In particular, I would like to do a tour of the West Coast of America, speaking from some of its biggest pulpits. I’ve heard they tend to put pastors on pedestals out there, which will suit me well, since my somewhat diminished height tends to make a pedestal essential for me to both see and be seen over the pulpit!
6. Repackage some of my dearly-loved and award-winning books for the US market. This will largely involve reducing all words to two-syllables or fewer, and removing the letter ‘u’ from 80% of words, including the title of our beloved Savio(u)r. I’m hoping these amendments, and the addition of a few hand-drawn pictures, will help me sell millions, crack the US market, and thus facilitate #5.
7. Launch my new conference, cleverly titled OverTHINK. The name is something of a double entendre. It encapsulates my unique hermeneutical method of squeezing theological juices from the driest of minute details, which other theologians would just pass over unthinkingly. In addition, it suggests that this conference will suit those who have previously attended a THINK conference and desire something meatier. Those who are OverTHINK.
n.b. OverTHINK will carry an 18+ age restriction, due to the ‘evocative’ nature of my enacted reading of Song of Songs.
8. Find a publication that will offer me a regular column. If anyone from Christianity Today is reading, might I suggest a monthly, no-holds barred column on some of the most controversial issues of the day. Expect it to be edgy, provocative, and grippingly entitled: Otter than Hell.
9. Begin my next major writing project. I’m thinking, a commentary on Wilson’s commentary on Kevin DeYoung’s commentary on the Heidelberg Catechism.
10. Read. Lined up currently are The Art of the Deal, by Donald Trump, Think Big, also by Donald Trump, and Crippled America: How to Make America Great Again, once again by Donald Trump. Because any author who is bold enough to use a word in both the title and subtitle of his book is surely worth reading.
Oh, and The Hunger Games: Mockingjay.
11. Gloat as Trump wins the presidential campaign and thus ushers in the second coming: “For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the Trump of God.” (1 Thessalonians 4:16, KJV).
11b. I would like to achieve #6 in order to facilitate #5 within such a timescale as to allow me to lend a hand to Team Trump and thus contribute to the hastening of our Lord’s return.
12. Rejoice. The Red Moons were out by a year, but the Lord will be back by the end of 2016. #11 guarantees it, thus making this the final end of year blog post I (or anyone!) will ever have to pen.
Happy New Year!