Plasma Screens for Sale
The concept is devastatingly simple, and yet hugely controversial in this modern age, enraptured as it is with multiplicity. Unafraid to swim against the tide of ecclesial wisdom, we are taking the radical step of shutting down our campuses, putting our video screens on eBay, and (shock, horror!) all meeting together in one building. No more fuzzy videos of my sermons beamed through seven-foot plasma screens. No more pastors breaking every rule in the highway code to make sure they get from campus to campus in time. No - we have eradicated the risk of pile-ups and wreckage (both technological and automotive!) by the simple decision to all gather under the same roof.
As with all daring pioneers, I am taking much flack for my avant-garde techniques. I have been accused of valuing pragmatism over biblical-theological reflection. People have complained that they prefer watching me enlarged on a screen, since in the fur I am rather short and unimpressive (somewhat like the Apostle Paul?). And my critics contend that “one church, one congregation” is a nonsensical linguistic tautology!
But persevere I shall, safe in the knowledge that history is made by those who take risks.
“But won’t the world think less of us if we only have one solitary meeting?” I hear you cry. Quite simply, no! In fact, gathering all your people in one location is great for publicity, making photographs and video footage look far more impressive. Never again will we have to face the shame of saying, “my church is only 20 people in size… but don’t worry, there are other campuses, which pushes our numbers up into at least the mid 60s!”
In addition, there are a number of key benefits to Uni-Site over its counterpart models:
- Uni-Site is a great way of restricting leadership to those who are actually good at it, rather than having to trust lesser-talented, potential leaders and suffering a lower quality as a result.
- Uni-Site, with its reduced travelling and resource replication, lowers our carbon footprint and protects the Antarctic Penguins.
- Uni-Site gets all of your Sunday meetings out of the way in one go, thus allowing us plenty of time to enjoy that core part of British culture: the Sunday roast. No more pre-packaged sandwiches wolfed down on the fly!
So to my critics I offer this simple appeal. As a wise man once said (I think it was Solomon?) “the proof of the pudding is in the eating!” Taste and see that Uni-Site-Pudding is good!